have you ever felt like your arm was missing but you still feel pain when it aches and aches but its not there? have you ever spent much of your adult life with one person who knows everything about you and still accepts and loves you anyway? have you ever felt internal pain from losing said person? have you ever cried from somewhere in your soul that you didnt even know existed? have you ever been at a loss for words because there are no words to describe the deep deep pit of immense sorrow you feel? have you ever had people judge you because they are on the outside looking in and and have never lost someone themselves before? have you ever had to take abuse from those who love you?have you ever tried to give medicine to a person who doesnt want to take it? have you ever had a doctor tell you theres nothing left he can do, your loved one is gonna die? have you ever had someone purposely hurt your feelings because they wanted to be in your shoes? have you ever felt dizzy and couldnt think straight but still have to feed your children and pay the bills? have you ever cried for days on end because you miss your husband? have you ever heard songs on the radio and feel like every one of them is speaking to your life,love, and experiences? have you ever gone somewhere and remember your husband took you there or you ate dinner together or anniversary was celebrated there? have you ever gotten into your car and all you can think is he should be driving today? have you ever had to put up curtains with his tools? have you ever had to look at your children and see him in them? have you ever had to do many many things on your own, even though you've done things on your own before, but now its different because you dont even have the option anymore? have you ever looked at birthday cards, just because cards, and letters and wished that you could see your husband again to tell him that you appreciate all that he did? have you ever had to pay off his bills, settle his estate, fight bill collectors, take care of kids, go to school, grieve, go to court, find a place to live, deal with bullshit, live in a hotel, and do all of the above with a smile?have you ever??? please tell me because ....
i miss him so much...

My aura is RED

stands for emotions passionate or RAGE!!

SO TRUE....

did anyone see I Am Legend...

excellent movie, i recommend it for anyone looking to see a movie that makes you think about the state of our human affairs and what we are doing to fix things here on this round orb we call Earth!!!!! Also, the recent movie by M. Night Shymalan...DEEP!!! yall, check that....

that's all for now...until next time...

same bat time, same bat channel...

Even though it involved cleaning their rooms, we got the chance to talk and laugh and bond. They are growing up to be fabulous young women and I pray that we continue to work on our relationship. I don't have a good relationship with my mother and part of it is because of past mistakes and while I understand that people make mistakes (because Lord knows I've made a ton of them), I don't know what her motives are lately. My aunt and I have been talking alot about legacy of family. And how secrets and attitudes get carried from one generation to the next. If you don't know your past, how can you prevent the mistakes of yesteryear from occurring? We have a lot of mystery and secrecy in our family. We also have lots of hierarchy in our family and if someone breaks away from the pecking order, its a problem. For instance, I am the only Muslim in my family and I stick out like a sore thumb (to them anyway). They can not seem to get past my religion and focus on the fact that I am a believer in God (Allah). Oh well, at this point, it is their loss and my gain, as I see it......

Anyway, I am rambling on about my daughters and family to say that I strive hard to not pass on the poison that was passed down to me. I was married for sixteen years; something unheard of in my family. My great grandgrandparents, grandparents, mother and father never sustained a marriage for any number of years. Divorce was commonplace..so how do I show my children that it is healthy to be in a relationship with one you love? Now that my husband has passed on, how will I teach them what a healthy relationship looks like? More to come...stay tuned....